


Who Digs Bear Traps?

by ughdotcom



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Don't copy to another site, M/M, Remy and Virgil are cousins, Remy is an idiot, Rich Roman, Roman can't drive, Swearing, This is weird, Traps, logan and roman are brothers, mentioned sex, nonbinary Emile, remy and roman used to date
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-24 06:24:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18565750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ughdotcom/pseuds/ughdotcom
Summary: It's so easy to fall into a trap.(But then again, who still digs bear traps?)It's also so easy to fall in love with your savior.(But then again, why is he so hot?)





	1. Chapter 1

“It’s so easy to fall into a trap” Virgil moped aloud as he sat at the bottom of a pit. There’s no way out, so he had to wait until someone finds him. Or he dies. He now understands why you’re not supposed to hike alone. But, then again, who the fuck still digs bear traps. Unless this dude  _ wanted _ to catch a human. Which would be really  _ really _ weird. Virgil sighed and sat down, leaning his back against the pit wall.

 

“Logan!” a voice called from above the pit after two hours. “There’s a hole in the ground!”

 

“Extraordinary, Patton.” the voice was deadpan, leading Virgil to believe that this Logan fellow hasn’t seen the “hole”.

 

“No, pocket protector! There’s an actual hole in the ground!”

 

A voice sighed. Virgil didn’t know which of the 3 (or more) it was. Getting exasperated he called up, “Well why don’t you look in the fucking hole, dumbasses!”

 

A gasp. “The hole can talk!” Patton said.

 

“Wait, there’s actually a hole?” Logan said.

 

“Yes there’s actually a hole! Get me the fuck out of here!” a head looked into the pit.

 

“Holy fuck there’s a dude in the pit!”

 

“Yeah, that’s what I was trying to say.” Virgil said. “Get ‘the dude’ out!” a rope nearly hit the side of his head. “Hey watch it!”

 

“Beggars can’t be choosers!” the other boy said. Virgil groaned before scaling the rope easily.

 

“Hello, I’m Virgil.”

 

“Roman.” The boy said.

 

“Logan.” said the boy who emerged from the woods, shaking leaves out of his hair.

 

“I’m Patton!” the third one said.

 

“Why was there a pit?” Logan asked.

 

“I don’t know! I just got stuck in it!”

 

“Why?”

 

“I didn’t choose to.” he grumbled “Do you know how far it is to Sandersburg?”

 

“Almost 36 miles.”

 

“Damn, I walked that far? Fine, what’s the nearest town?”

 

“Thomastown.”

 

“Any motels?”

 

“You can stay with us!” Patton chimed in.

 

“Yeah, kay, you seem nice, but I’m not an idiot.”

 

Roman pulled out his phone and quickly googled something, “Deceit’s Motel is the only one with vacancies.”

 

Virgil groaned and pulled his hood down a bit. “Do you have a guest room?”

 

“You don’t want to stay at Deceit’s?”

 

“Let’s just say I don’t have a good history with the guy. Ex.”

 

“Yeah, I get that. Remy Sanders.”

 

“That’s my cousin!”

 

“Dating Emile Picani?”

 

“Yeah. Roman Santos?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Rem says you’re a cool guy.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. So, guest room?”

 

“I guess Patton can sleep in Logan’s bed tonight.”

 

Virgil glanced over his shoulder to where the couple was making out. “That sounds like a terrible idea.”

 

Roman leaned over to whisper conspiratorially. “The walls are thick.” Virgil jumped backwards.

 

“Jesus Christ, dude!”

 

“Sorry, sorry. I was talking about them anyway.” he pointed to Logan and Patton, who looked like they were ready to have sex on the forest floor. “BOYS!”

 

“We’re both older than you.” Logan muttered, before looking up. “Yes, brother dear?”

 

“We’ve got to go.” Patton sighed before moving his arms from around Logan’s neck and grabbed his hand. “And refrain from fucking on my car’s seats, please.”

 

“Because you said please.” Patton said, making Virgil snort. Roman shot him a glance.

 

“What? It was funny! Having Tumblr and living with Remy doesn’t exactly make you have a clean sense of humor!”

 

“Good point.” they headed off to Roman’s car, Logan and Patton holding hands the entire way. Virgil leaned over to Roman.

 

“They are so in love it’s almost disgusting.”

 

“I know, right! I can’t even talk to my brother. It’s Patton this, Patton that.”

 

“Logan’s your brother?”

 

“Yeah. Microsoft Nerd.”

Virgil giggled, raising his hand to cover his mouth. “Why do you nickname people?”

 

“Well, I don’t know, Panic! at the Everywhere!”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“You cannot tell me you don’t listen to emo music.” Roman said, dragging his eyes over Virgil’s clothes. “You look the part.”

 

“No, I do.”

 

“Of course you do, My Chemically Imbalanced Romance.”

 

“Stop with the nicknames!”

 

Roman laughed before picking Virgil up princess style, “Never, Incredible Sulk.”

 

“Put me down!” Virgil spluttered. “I don’t even know if I can trust you!”

 

“You can. But you can also ask Remy.”

 

“Eager to hear your ex’s voice?” Virgil teased, but he pulled out his phone to call his cousin, putting it on speaker. “Rem?”

 

“Hey Gurl, what’s up?”

 

“Can I trust your ex?”

 

“Wow, hun. Weird question. But yeah. Ro’s cool. I just didn’t like him any more.”

 

Another softer voice drifted out of the phone. “You sure?”

 

“Yeah, babe. Sure as the fact I’m addicted to coffee.”

 

“Wow, pretty sure then.” Roman cut in.

 

“Hey, gurl. Why you with my cuz?”

 

“I found him stuck in a pit and helped him out. We don’t have time to run him home, so I said he could stay with me and Lo.”

 

“Isn’t Pat there? Uno! Bitch!” They could hear Emile groan.

 

“Yeah, but he can sleep in Lo’s room.”

 

“Up there as worse idea of the year. Along with when Virgil tried to cook.”

 

“Hey! I tried to make you breakfast!”

 

“It was the toast that nearly set the house on fire! I win! Ha, Bitch! You owe me a kiss!” Remy concentrated back on the phone “How do you fuck up making toast that badly?!”

 

Virgil glared at Roman, who was buckled over laughing. “I didn’t know that going up to the highest setting was a bad idea!”

 

“How!” Remy and Ro chorused.

 

“Anyway, gurls, I gotta go.” They heard the phone hit the couch and making out before Virgil hung up.

 

“I hate calling him.”

 

“Text is worse.”

 

“I know right! He has access to emojis!”

 

“The only person he doesn’t text emojis is my mom, and that’s because she’s blind and the screen reader is a bitch.”

 

“Is she the only one he doesn’t send memes to?”

 

“Yep.” Roman laughed, a full hearty sound. Virgil covered his mouth and snickered.

 

“Anyway, here’s my car.”

 

Virgil took in the expensive car. “Holy fuck.”

 

“I don’t want to be rich! It’s not my fault my parents were.”

 

“Appreciate it, bitch.”

 

“That’s exactly what Remy said.”

 

“Is that where he got that shit ton of money?”

 

“Yeah,” Roman said, hopping into the driver’s seat. “Where did he say he got it?”

 

“Lottery.”

 

“Bullshit. Remy would never enter a lottery.”

 

“I know right!” Virgil fiddled with the radio. “I don’t like this music. Can I hook up my phone?”

 

“Of course.” Virgil smirked and grabbed the cord. MCR started to play.

 

“Of fucking course. Can you at least play Fall Out Boy?”

 

“Yep.” Virgil tapped at his phone and Sugar We’re Going Down started playing. Roman sighed and turned to face him.

 

“You. Are an emo nightmare.”

 

Virgil looked offended for a second before realizing he liked the nickname. “Thank you.”

 

Roman sighed and focused his eyes back on the road as Virgil hummed along to the music, before starting to sing along.

 

“ _ We’re going down, down in an earlier round _

_ And Sugar, we’re going down swinging _

_ I’ll be your number one with a bullet _

_ A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it. _ ”

 

Roman sighed before joining in.

 

“ _ We’re going down, down in an earlier round _

_ And Sugar, we're going down swinging _

_ I’ll be your number one with a bullet _

_ A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it _

_ Is this more than you bargained for yet? _

_ Oh, don't mind me, I'm watching you two from the closet _

_ Wishing to be the friction in your jeans _

_ Isn’t it messed up how I’m just dying to be him? _

_ I’m just a notch in your bedpost _

_ But you're just a line in a song. _ ”

 

Virgil grinned for a second before continuing.

 

“ _ Drop a heart, break a name _

_ We’re always sleeping in, sleeping for the wrong team _

_ We’re going down, down in an earlier round _

_ And Sugar, we’re going down swinging _

_ I’ll be your number one with a bullet _

_ A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it _ ”

 

He pointed at Roman.

 

“ _ We’re going down, down in an earlier round _

_ And Sugar, we’re going down swinging _

_ I’ll be your number one with a bullet _

_ A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it _ ”

 

They sang together.

 

“ _ Down, down in an earlier round _

_ And Sugar, we’re going down swinging _

_ I’ll be your number one with a bullet _

_ A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it _

_ We’re going down, down in an earlier round _

_ And Sugar, we’re going down swinging _

_ I’ll be your number one with a bullet _

_ A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it _ ”

 

They split into parts for the second to last verse, before singing the last one together. As soon as the song ended they burst out laughing.

 

“You really are an emo nightmare.”

 

“You knew the lyrics!”

 

“You started it!”

 

“You asked for Fall Out Boy!”

 

“And we’re here!” Roman swerved into the driveway of a modern looking home.

 

“I want to say you’re the worst driver I have ever met, but I have been in a car with Remy.”

 

“And I want to say you’re the worst passenger I’ve had, but Logan takes the cake.”

 

Logan, who was obviously listening in broke away from Patton’s lips. “Hey!”

 

“You have a tendency to talk for hours, calculator watch!” Roman objected, before dragging Virgil in. “I want to show you everything.”

 

“Go ahead, rich boy.”

 

“Living room.”

 

“Damn that’s a big TV.”

 

It continued in the like all over the house until they reached the guest bedroom. “And where you will sleep.”

 

Virgil flopped on the bed. “Comfortable. Can I watch TV?”

 

“Yeah. Can I watch with you?”

 

“Sure. Want to watch all the John Mulaney skits on Netflix?”

 

“Duh.” Roman flopped next to him as Virgil pressed play.


	2. Chapter 2

When Remy came to pick up his cousin the next day, Logan led him to the guest room, where Remy was greeted with the sight of his ex and family member curled up together. “Gurls.” he crooned “time to wake up.”

 

“Go away, Rem.” Virgil muttered, curling into Roman, before jerking up. “Wait, what?!”

 

“Ohh, did you two hook up? Give me all the dirty details.”

 

Virgil turned bright red. “No! We just fell asleep watching John Mulaney.” Remy’s eyes flicked to the TV.

 

“Yeah, not very arousing. Yo, Roman, wakey wakey.”

 

Roman pulled the pillow over his head. “Five more minutes.”

 

“Wake up, dumbass.” Virgil picked up a throw pillow.

 

Roman sat up abruptly, “Wait, what’s going on?” he asked.

 

“You and my cuz fell asleep watching comedy last night. I thought you banged, but Virge says no, and I trust the dude.”

 

“You should, I’m your cousin!”

 

“You told me eggs were nearly born humans!”

 

“You told me licking a nine-volt battery would make me strong!”

 

“You told me people walked on awnings!”

 

“I was 5 and believed that myself! You told me thinking about sex outside of health was sin and I would to hell!”

“Mom told you being gay is the reason you would go to hell.”

“Auntie told you the same thing!”

“I had the courage to say that Leonardo da Vinci was gay before walking off!”

“I let you stay at my place even though you have Em over all the time.”

“You got trapped in a bear pit!”

“I didn’t choose to!”

Roman waved his hand between their faces. “Hi, hello, I’m here too, what was that in the middle where you started talking shit about you aunt then went back to arguing about who was either the dumbest or least trustworthy, although Remy said he trusted you.”

“Oh, we do this all the time. It’s normal.” Remy slung his arm around Virgil. “No, come one, Emile is waiting in the car, and they’re gonna be pissed if we take to long, especially cause this is my ex’s house.”

“Hey Virge?” Roman asked, cutting Remy off, making Remy glance at him over his sunglasses, showing off his pink contacts.

“Yeah?”

“Can I get your number?”

 

“Phone.” Virgil held out his hand, and Roman obediently handed him his phone, Virgil putting in his number efficiently. “There you go. Bye, Ro.” He left with Remy. And if Roman studied his ass as he left that was no one’s business especially not LOGAN WHO IS LAUGHING IN THE CORNER HE SEES YOU THERE!

~Later at like 8:00~

Unknown Number: Hey it’s ro

V: hey Ro

ro<3:hey v

V: if i told you i was at band practice would you leave me alone

ro<3: probably not

ro<3: whos in the band

V: my brother Thomas, his friends Valerie and Terrence

ro<3: what do you play

V: drums

V: great anger management

ro<3: so I was wondering if u wanted to go on a date?

V: ya where

ro<3: meet me at your local starbucks tomorrow

V: which one

ro<3: the one that Remy works at

V: does 11 work or later

ro<3: 11

V: see ya

V: cant wait

ro<3: <3

V: <3

Virgil squealed and hugged his phone. Okay, maybe it was weird he was going out with his cousin’s ex. But damn if Roman wasn’t hot.

“What is it, V?” Thomas asked.

“Date.”

“Ooh, with who?”

“Roman Santos.”

“Remy’s ex?”

“Yeah. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s friday and Rem and I have movie night.”

As soon as Virgil flopped on the couch with Remy to watch Thor: Ragnarok Remy smirked. “So I hear you have a date.”

Virgil groaned and buried his face in a pillow. “So who told?”

“Val.”

“Of fucking course. Can we just watch the movie?”

“Sure. Excuse my giant crush on Loki though.”

“If you’ll excuse me complaining about the butchered norse myths.”

“Start the movie.” Remy did so and they sat there, occasionally arguing over the popcorn.

 

Virgil woke up at 9 am to his phone playing Taylor Swift. “Oh my fucking god, Remy!” He grabbed his phone and promptly tuned the music off. “How dare you!”

Remy knocked on his door. “Up, gurl. You’ve got a date!”

“Why?”

“Because you said yes to Roman. Or because you got trapped in a bear trap. Or because you went hiking. How far back do you want me to go?”

“What should I wear?”

“Not a band tee.”

“Now I want to wear a band tee!” Virgil hopped out of bed and examined his Mania tee. “How about this. It’s pretty bright. And it’s a poppier album.”

“Yeah, whatever gurl. I did wear a leather jacket on all out dates. And sunglasses.”

“You do the same thing with Emile. Do you ever not wear a leather jacket or sunglasses. You even invested in hot pink contacts.”

“I like it. Do you need me to drive you?”

“I’m 25. I can drive”

“I’m dropping you off.”

“No, fuck you.” Virgil scanned his closet. “Do I have not ripped black skinny jeans?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Yes!” Virgil grabbed a pair. “I do!”

“Amazing.” Remy’s voice was dripping with sarcasm. “It’s not like you ripped half those jeans yourself.” He glanced at his cousin, “Bitch.”

“Bitch yourself.” Virgil threw a combat boot at Remy, who caught it expertly. “Go away so I can change.” Remy rolled his eyes and pranced out of the room to go put his contacts in.

“I have a date with Emile, later, so I might not be at home if you two need…  _ privacy _ .”

“REMY!” Virgil sent the other combat boot hurling at his cousin’s head. “I cannot fucking believe you!”

Remy laughed. “Love you too, cuz.”

“Out!” Remy closed the door as a balled up sweatshirt hit it. Virgil grabbed the mania t-shirt and the jeans he found, along with a belt, darting into the bathroom to change. At 9:45 he was in front of his mirror, carefully applying makeup. At 10:15 he did his hair over his left eye, hiding the striking purple with his purple hair. At 10:30 he pulled on his combat boots and laced them up. At 10:35 he ran out the door yelling “I’m leaving, Rem!”

“Bye cuz! Get that dick!”

“Go fuck yourself, Rem!”

“Nah, that’s Emile’s job!”

“Hate you!”

“Hate you too!” Virgil laughed before slamming the heavy wood door, causing Remy to shout, “okay, that’s too petty even for me! That door is by far the most expensive non electronic in the house!”

Virgil stuck his head back into the door. “You’re forgetting my large supply of makeup, and my motorcycle.”

“Go to your date, bitch!”

“Bastard child!”

“Fuckface!”

“Day old coffee!” Virgil darted out the door as Remy scoffed.

“Low blow! Oh… he’s gone.”

Virgil jumped on his motorcycle, revving it and speeding away.

Roman waited outside Starbucks for Virgil when a motorcycle sped by, turning into a spot right by him at 10:45. “Hello, Princey.” Virgil stepped off the bike, and pulled his helmet off, and  _ damn _ did he look that hot before?

“Princey?”

“I have seen your photos from high school theater.”

 

“The horror!” Roman gasped, making Virgil laugh. “No seriously, dude, did you have to look at photos of me in half done makeup and poorly made costumes?”

“Yeah. I will say, you looked hot in Sleeping Beauty.”

“I had to kiss a  _ girl _ !” Roman looked offended that anyone would think he looked hot in that.

“If it had been a boy would you be more comfortable?” Virgil smirked.

“Of course!”

“If it had been me?”

“Absolutely delighted to.” Roman grinned at Virgil, who had turned a shade of red to rival Satan. “You want coffee?”

“Can I just have iced passion tea? Coffee doesn’t help with my anxiety.”

“Yeah, sure. Sweetened?”

“Hell no.”

“Ok, just wait right here.” Virgil sighed and flopped down on a bench, pulling out his phone, scrolling through tumblr. One of the weirdest accounts he followed, danplan-incorrect-dialogues-2 had had another of the weird asks from someone named “Afton”. He laughed.

“Whatcha laughing at, Hot Topic.”

“Awww, you think I’m hot.”

“I asked you out, did I not?”

“You did? I thought Patton stole your phone.”

“He’s shipper number one.”

“Of course. So, what do you want to do?” Virgil took a long sip of his tea.

“I’ve heard you’ve got great museums here.” Roman shrugged.

“Remy never took you? Also did Logan tell you that?”

“Yes, Logan told me that. He said he and Patton went on dates there. Also, does Remy seem the type to take people to a museum? He took me to all the clubs, though.”

“Typical. Hop on the bike.”

“I brought my car.”

“And motorcycles are a lot easier to steal. Get on the bike.” Virgil tossed a helmet at Roman. “I got you a red helmet.” Virgil put on his own purple one. “Safety, bitch!”

“Do I mostly like people who call people bitch affectionately?”

“Apparently so. Get on!” Roman pulled his helmet on and got on the bike. Virgil sped off.

 

They pulled up to the museum at 11:15. Roman stepped off the bike. “That was fun.” he said, referring to both the bike ride and the feeling of Virgil in his arms.

“It was.” Virgil said. “By the way, Ro, I have something to tell you.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m demisexual.. I haven’t told Remy yet, but you should know. I am homoromantic, however.”

“Ok.”

“Wait, you’re not upset?”

“I thought you’d want more.”

“So? It’s you, Virge. That’s all I want!”

“I like you to, but we have only known each other 2 days.”

“I will murder you if you rain on my parade again.”

“And now you’re sounding like me. Maybe this is true love. C’mon, let’s go look at some exhibits about dinosaurs.”

“If you were a dinosaur what would you be?”

“Velociraptor.”

“T-rex.”

“Tiny arms.”

“Small, cute, and about to rip me apart.” Virgil hissed at him, and Roman laughed. “C’mon dude.” Roman held out his hand, and Virgil took it and they walked into the museum together.

After a long day of learning about history, at 4:30 Virgil stopped at the Starbucks. “Hey, Ro?”

“Mm?”

“Want to come over and watch movies? You can park your car in my garage.”

Roman grinned at Virgil. “Only if I can be your boyfriend.”

“Of course you can. Were you not.”

“Well that was simple.”

“Yep. You know my address. You can drive there.”

Roman walked off, turning to wave at his newly found boyfriend. “Bye, V!”

“Bye, Ro!” Virgil hopped on his bike and sped off.

At 4:45 Roman arrived at Virgil’s house and knocked on the door. Virgil opened it. “Hey, babe.” Roman said, a smirk on his face.

“Oh, we’re to pet names now? Ok, handsome.” Virgil flirted back smoothly. “Come on in. You want popcorn?”

“Always.”

Virgil held up a finger as he turned and walked into the kitchen. “Do not try that Snape bullshit on me, Princey! The dude was horrible! No I will not debate it with you.”

“I was not trying the Snape bullshit on you.” Roman closed the door behind him. “Should I just go sit on the couch or…”

“Yeah, go sit. What do you want to watch.”

“Disney.”

“Black Cauldron and Nightmare before Christmas have to be included.”

“It’s the middle of July!”

“No deal.”

“Fine!” Virgil smirked out of sight of Roman as he popped the popcorn.

“Sounds fun.” he poured the popcorn into the bowl and walked into the living room. “I’m gonna go grab some soda and then we can start.” He ran into his room and grabbed a six pack of Coke and a six pack of Sprite. “Take your shoes off!” he called down as he grabbed his stash of candy.

“Ok!” Virgil could hear the thunks of his shoes as Roman pulled them off as he enter the room. “That is a lot of sugar!”

“I have to hide this all from Remy. Can we just watch?” Roman smirked and turned the movies on. Virgil sat down next to him. They got comfortable at exactly 5:00.

Later that night Virgil lay in Roman’s arms. Roman had fallen asleep as Cinderella played. Virgil paused the movie and glanced at the clock. 11:11. Make a wish.

_ I wish this will last. _

And guess what? It did.

**Author's Note:**

> Be nice and comment please!


End file.
